Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
