she woke up with a sticky ear
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
