nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
