How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
