and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
