I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
