He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
