Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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