I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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