Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
