her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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