There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
