God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
