I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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