Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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