So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
