Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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