I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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