you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
