I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
