I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
