you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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