At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
