4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
