Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
