I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
