K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
