I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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