the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
