: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
