I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
