I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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