Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
