I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
