i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
