i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
