I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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