Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
