her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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