I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
