did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
