You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you traded sex for a burrito?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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