Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
