At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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