I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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