she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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