the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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