I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
