You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
