it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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