Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
