You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
