Screwed.edu
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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